did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
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