Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
