I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
