Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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