I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's blow job season.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
