My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
