He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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