why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
