I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
tell me about the fingering
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