if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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