I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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