someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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