WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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