Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think I have vodka in my lungs
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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