I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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