went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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