k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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