Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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