if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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