i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
