Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
