I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
