Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
