I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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