Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
