and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
