dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
