OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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