my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize