the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
