sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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