Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
