you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
