You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
