Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
