dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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