Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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