just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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