Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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