Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
