I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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