plz talk dirty to me
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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