your parents love me but you hate me
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
