i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
