what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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