if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
A bitchslap is in order.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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