He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
