if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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