I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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