pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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