My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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