me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
