I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
