And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
