I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
