I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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