Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You are a genius and a whore.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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