There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
